Time to Move

I am beginning to get the uncanny feeling that things weren’t meant to be this way. I feel I was intended for more, something bigger, something better, and I messed it all up in my quest to find my own way. What do you do when your heart is at war with yourself? How can you let go of someone you love so dearly, even though you see how bad they are for you and realize how much of a hole they left in you with the things they’ve done? Is there a limit to how much you can take from someone before you put your foot down and say “no more”?

I don’t have the answers to those questions, and I don’t think that anyone really does. It’s a daily struggle, living with the stress of day-to-day life; having the hole inside yourself as you try to act as though there is nothing wrong with you or your way of life. It gets to the point where you can’t sleep any longer because your life plays through your head like a bad movie every time you close your eyes. You see the regret and the hurt that you hide every day and you begin to wonder where it is you went wrong and what it is you did.

“Why do I deserve to wake up every morning not wanting to be me?”

The answer to that question is that you don’t deserve to wake up and not want to be yourself. Life is not supposed to hurt and feel so empty. I think that for us to realize what we were meant to do with our lives, we need to let go of the things that are holding us down. It takes a lot to let go of things you love and feel you need to provide for, but when those things get in the way of you taking care of yourself, it is time to ease back a little. There are just some things that hurt us more than they should. In this day and age, it is generally the presence or lack of a romantic relationship.

 Most people feel the need to share their lives with someone else; they feel this because being alone is frightening. Being alone is probably one of the most depressing states that we find ourselves in when we yearn for a romantic connection. You get empty easy, going through everything on your own without the “love” feeling. Yet, the absence of romance and commitment in someone’s life often allows them to be closer to those around them and develop friendships that are lasting. In general, this is lost when you enter a committed relationship because so much time is devoted to making the other person happy. We get so caught up in them that we lose who we are, we lose our ability to relate to our own feelings and emotions and eventually we snap. This is the reason relationships so often fail, people lose their individuality and feel ‘stuck’ due to a stagnation that seems to take over their lives.

For this reason, people in relationships often become just as unhappy as people seeking relationships, but they cannot let go. Love guides us so strongly, we do things that we would never do otherwise in the name of love. It is our justification for staying in a relationship that is so clearly failing, our reason for enduring more hurt and more pain. I will not say it isn’t a good reason to stay, but I believe there is a point that we need to tell ourselves enough is enough and let go. This gets even more complicated in marriages or relationships were children are involved, but it is an important thing to recognize. When more harm than good comes from your love, has it crossed the line from love to normalcy?

Heartbreak happens, and we are creatures of habit who want to say we are happy where we are. We do anything to avoid admitting we were wrong, but we need to take care of ourselves and realize that heartbreak is just another step in our lives. We cannot grow without hurt, just as we cannot develop without pain. Instead of moving on with the phrase “I will never love again”, we should move on with the idea that this isn’t the end, it’s only the beginning of amazing possibilities that we never imagined for our own lives.