What Am I Looking For?

NOTE: YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ THIS
This is rather personal, and it has to do with things that are a little touchy, so if you can't handle that, or the feelings I had when I wrote it, please spare yourself the hurt of reading it.

What am I looking for?

Here among the shattered boxes,

Looking at the remnants of who I used to be.

The scuffed up ball, the broken laces,

The scarred keys, and dirty socks.

The corridors of my mind house more

Than over-used shin guards,

torn cleats, and grass stained shorts.

I turn away, my eyes rimmed

With water that betrays my real emotions.

How can I be so numb,

Towards something I have forsaken

Without a word, without a memory

Gone into the abyss of nothingness

The nothingness that is my mind

Where have all my memories gone?

The ones of adrenaline, running

Blocking, pushing, shoving,

The goal there in front of me…

Yet ever elusive, ever distant,

And I can never seem to make it.

Who am I to try?

This memory is nothing to me now,

And there is nothing that I can gain from it

So I will push it back into the dark recesses of my mind.

What am I looking for?

Here among the shattered glass?

Looking at the remnants of my family.

The fire in the kitchen, blood on the floor,

The screams in the living room

Me closing my eyes and pretending

I’m anywhere but here.

Mom’s head slams against the door

One more time and I see Alex crouching

Crouching with a butter knife in his hand

Muttering to himself and I don’t understand.

Did I forsake this too?

Forsake this into the deep abyss

So that memory could not recall the horror?

The instant that I said I will not have it

There will be peace in my life

No mother I will never hit you

And a promise is broken

“you are the discord in this family

You break the peace

You bring your father’s chaos into this place”

And I leave head hanging low

Knowing that no one will understand

And no one can accept me now

I am the misfit, and like all misfits

I push down the longing to fit in.

It is a stupid desire,

A longing meant to die in the depths

Of an unfeeling mind.

What am I looking for?

Here among the broken boards of the playground?

Looking at the remnants of my childhood and innocence.

The jungle gym where I once played princess,

The balance beam, the black seated swings

Blowing in the wind and tormenting my mind.

How did I lose the sweet bliss of ignorance?

His face haunts me where I walk,

Where I stand, where I lay

Yet his face is that of many

Dan, Jeff, Alonso, Sam,

Danny, Corey, David, James,

Pacheco, Seki, Jose, Jeremy,

Matt, Leo, Austin, Jeremiah,

Why is it I place the blame and hate

Of so many on one

I hate you

Jeff

Yet… it wasn’t you alone

And I never did anything to stop it.

I did not, I could not,

And here I sit with my childhood

Torn away from me

And I am unable to dream

Or even think that anything could go right

I cannot allow myself to be naïve again

Because naivety only breeds hurt

I cannot trust, I cannot trust,

I am no longer young.

What am I looking for?

Here among the splintered green wood?

Looking at the remnants of my faith.

Here is where it was born

Among the monkey bars

The swing set, the basket ball goal

The rooftop, the rock tower, the rope

The column where I seemed to leave my memories

The wheat field with the ivy

And the cat I seemed to give my soul to,

The church inside called me but it wasn’t there

That I first heard God’s voice,

It was when David Collins spoke during class

About how God gave him the strength

But he seemed like a soul harvester

Just winning souls to say he could

And then one night I got saved again

And cried and went home to tell mommy

And she said you already were saved

But I had never felt that way before,

All ready to give my life to something

I loved Jesus, wanted to do anything for him

But was stuck in the rut of the unknowing

Lost in the darkness of my mind

Again… there is no turning back

And I am stuck here still

Except here isn’t Blountville,

Here is Clarksville,

Where everything fell apart

What am I looking for?

Here among the empty driveway filled with gravel?

Among the remnants of my life.

Here, it was the vineyard,

The wine of renewing life,

Yet everything pulled me away

And I lost what seemed to keep me sane

My family went up in smoke

With all the fiery ferocity of a thing

That is justified by the sins of life

And there they disintegrated,

Throwing me to the curb and

Alcohol being all I could turn to

Without the same constant ability

To focus on something to live for

There was nothing

No family, no baby, no life

Except work and hitting that bag

Day in and day out until I didn’t know

The reason for my anger

The reason for my hate

The reason for my bitterness

And I hit and punched and drank

Until I almost killed myself with drink

Almost drown my sorrows until

I would have faced the greatest judgment

And still in that hour of weakness

The instinct to pray

That had been pressed into me since birth

Still surfaced in me

Drunk and wobbling on the road

I prayed that God would save me

And he did

And I ask why because I feel so lost now

Looking back at the broken pieces of my life.

What am I looking for?

Here underneath the dark night sky?

Looking at the beauty of the stars.

This wonder in me, this feeling of such vast uncertainty,

I do not know now where I am going

And the future kicks me with taunts

I look at the stars and think

What happened to me?

What happened to the life

That everyone was sure would be mine?

The happiness that everyone

Assumed that I already had?

But it was lost in the brokenness of my mind

Somewhere in that abyss with all of my joy

And now I cannot love without hate

For the very same

Feeling that in instants they will hurt me

And take away what I dare to dream for

I am looking for absolution

I am looking for revenge for something

That I no longer feel

I am looking for joy

And the feeling of complete strength

That God gives me when

I dance and sing for him.

I look for love, a love that I

Do not wish to acknowledge

That I already have

And I close my eyes

Close my eyes to the sweet surrender

And smell the night on the air

The grass, the trees,

And the scent of life that I feel so without

I have suffered much

Yet do not feel it.

I cannot think

And leave it in pieces

Broken like this very poem.