Losing

When I am here, still standing, when all else starts to fall

Does it mean I’m unaffected? That I didn’t care at all?

Should I fall down as well? Crawl with my face deep in the dirt?

Or should I just keep going? Acting like it doesn’t hurt?

I feel like I’m spinning in circles, and that I put on airs,

The worst part is that I feel as though no one cares.

Bogged down by this conviction, in feelings of despair,

I look around for hours, looking for things that are not there.

I’m balanced on the ledge of life; if I look too hard I’ll fall.

But why content myself with looking? Is there more to it all?

I watch it all flow by me, hide it deep within my mind,

So, when I start crying, there’s no explanation as to why.

I’m losing my mind, breaking down, letting go.

Falling through the depths, where I’m sure none will follow.

But I will still smile at you, smile and keep on staring,

Never addressing the problems, never wanting, never daring.

Who I am evades me, what I want is so obscured,

And I’m stuck chasing after dreams that seem so absurd.

I look up at the sky, want to end it, want to stop,

But if I ever say so, I am berated for the thought

How can you berate me? Tell me that it’s not that bad?

How can you say such things, knowing the life I’ve had?

I cannot keep going; the pain is weighing me down.

Don’t you see I’m floundering; the memories will only help me drown.

You pull with all your might, but the turbulent waters claim me

There’s nothing you can do, no way that you can save me

I wish you would just see, that when it all falls down

That I cannot fight any longer, I want to let myself drown.

The only thing that keeps me breathing is your promise of a better life

But right now I can’t see it, right now, there’s no light.

And when the darkness takes me, these thoughts fill my head,

Thoughts of failure that say I am better off dead.

You feel as though I’m not trying to see the good that’s in store,

But no matter how hard I try, I can’t see it anymore.

Don’t judge me for my thoughts; don’t think I’m not making sense

Because everything I ever do is filled with all their logics.

This isn’t me; I don’t know where I am, lost in this confusion.

I just know I am falling down; I know that I’m losing.

You give me hope, strength, will, but I must find my own

And when I do I promise, I will return to you, I will come home